Just Like Mommy:
Mothers, Daughters, and the Cycle of Self Image
©Christine Olinger first appearing in Ladybug Flights, October 2003

This month as a new biography of Caroline Kennedy was released a bit of a gossip whirlwind erupted amidst claims that Jaqueline Kennedy pressured her daughter to lose weight constantly, possibly spawning an eating disorder. This may be myth or pure fabrication. But the truth is young women-- even very small children-- are greatly influenced by their mothers when it comes to body image, and often with drastic results.

In her book Outsmarting the Mother-Daughter Food Trap, Debra Waterhouse cites some rather frightening numbers. In comparison to data from the 1960s, the number of women dieting in the 1990s had risen by 300%. The number of young girls dieting had risen to 1300%. (That is not a typo.) Waterhouse points out that by age 10 the average percentage of girls dieting is a staggering 80%. Girls who diet this way are 8 times more likely to develop eating disorders later on. Some are developing them as early as 10.

The Journal of the American Diabetic Association researched attitudes of very young girls toward food. They surveyed five year old girls and found that as many as 2/3 of them had clear concepts and opinions about dieting. Those children who reported that their mothers were dieters were more than twice as likely to exhibit these concepts and opinions, and over 90% of those surveyed fell into this group: daughters of dieting mothers who were drastically more likely to have developed a dieting ideology as young as 5 years of age.

Research is showing that young girls who have mothers who diet and are size conscious (some might say obsessed) are growing up with a quiet, internalized message of self loathing, dysmorphic self image, and food related fear. And yet in most cases mothers are only trying to help. They are raising girls in a culture of twisted and unhealthy body image. Since the dawn of the paper thin waif in the 1960s the mother-mantra has shifted from “you look thin, are you eating?” to “do you really need that cookie, dear, you're getting a bit chubby.”

Such innocent comments sting, and damage fragile emotions, perhaps more seriously than any of us can imagine. The Health Education Research Journal examined the diets of 200 girls between the ages of 4 and 6. Bear in mind that children at these ages are just beginning to read, have very little concept of culture, and are forming their first impressions of self worth. The girls were given unrestricted access to appealing foods normally restricted (such as sweets and snack foods considered fattening). Those children who came from homes where parents restricted food intake were actually far more likely to binge than those where food intake was not restricted. They were also shown to express feelings of guilt and shame afterward.

Bingo. Eating disorders in their infancy.

How we react to food, restrict it, and express ourselves to our daughters and younger loved ones is vital to their emotional growth. If the “feed the pain” practices of the 40s and 50s (ie: you look sad, have a brownie) contributed to our nation's current battle with obesity, the denial and shame practices of the 60s and 70s have given birth to the new wave: a nation in which anywhere between 5 and 10 million young girls are suffering from eating disorders.

So how do we love our daughters, protect their health, and avoid damaging their growing self perceptions? Here are some suggestions from Focus Adolescent Services on fostering positive body image and healthy perceptions between mothers and daughters:

1. Don't be negative about your own body in front of your child. This sends the message that it's ok for her to dislike her own body.

2. If you diet, don't obsess about weight loss or gain and stress your decision to do so as a health concern, not for vanity, fashion, or because you hate your body.

3. Avoid drastic weight gain and loss, not only for your daughter, but for yourself. These are unhealthy patterns and damage overall health far more than being somewhat overweight. They also send a negative message to children that yo-yo dieting is acceptable.

4. Stress exercise rather than food restriction, and practice what you preach. Telling her to go outside and run around isn't the answer. Taking a walk or a yoga class with her is.

5. Refrain from discussing weight or negative self image with your daughter. Vent to friends in stead.

6. Try not to hide your body from your daughter. This sends a subtle message of shame that she will pick up on.

7. Avoid criticizing her clothes, even if you hate them. Unless her clothing is seriously questionable for legitimate reasons (too scanty for her age or not weather-appropriate), let her express herself with clothes. This not only avoids the need to shape her body to make a personal statement, but it may allow her to feel comfortable with funny bumps, rolls, and baby fat as she grows and changes.

8. Don't police food intake. If your child feels she is being watched constantly she will begin to eat secretly and develop binge habits or other eating disorders. Provide healthy foods and limit junk food. Eliminating sweets and junk food all together often leads to secret eating, as well.

9. Encourage exercise. Girls who play sports are healthier, eat better, and feel better about themselves. Yoga classes are available in nearly every community. Even daily walks with friends count.

10. Consider the eating habits of the entire family and don't single your children-- male or female-- out. Creating one diet for any child that differs from the rest of the family makes them feel marginalized and ashamed. If it's healthy for one, it's healthy for all.